Background

This is an interesting book I read recently, I found it addresses a lot of “mental” or “emotional” problems for me

Since COVID, I have felt like I am kind of like falling into a death spiral of a victim mindset. Since life treats me so shit and everything is off track, how else can I be happy? This book isn’t encouraging me to be positive/be happy that kinds of bullshit [Not i don’t want to, but how, logically], instead it invites me to review my values

To keep things short, the biggest gains from this books for me are:

  • Things suck and shits happen, it is not [necessarily] our fault, but we have full responsibility to fix it. Remember, not your fault, but it is your responsibility
  • Purse happiness is superficial, we will not satisfy with what we have. Instead, choose your struggle/pain because 1.) it is unavoidable 2.) it is the root source of true happiness
  • Emotions are just the feedbacks generated from our value system and reality, we shouldn’t ignore negative emotions, because it hints our value and reality may have some gaps
  • Life is limited, don’t give a shit to unimportant things or challenges on the road, give the fk to the selected battles!

Summary of some chapters

Some core messages from the book force me to think for a while

  • what are the things you give a fk?
    • There are only a handful of things that are worth our time
    • Everyone will die some days mean we can’t choose infinite things to give a shit
  • Realise life is a form of suffering but sometimes fun
    • The reality is there is shit everywhere, accept things suck sometimes/most of the time
  • Happiness is not the equation, if X then Y doesn’t work
    • human is made to be dissatisfied, you won’t satisfy with what you have, that’s the feature not a bug
    • True happiness occurs only when you find the problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving
    • So, choose your struggle, solve problems and be happy
    • solve problems come with pain, hence pain is the source of happiness
    • real, serious, lifelong fulfillment and meaning have to be earned through the choosing and managing of our struggles
  • Two common traps for people: Denial and victim mentality
    • denial: deny the problems exist => hide => make a bigger problem
    • victim: blame others for the problem => quick high => nth change
  • Emotions are just feedback signals of our value system toward reality
    • negative emotions are a call to action!
    • if we don’t act/solve the problem, we will be unhappy
  • Admit that we are just normal people, not special, and shouldn’t be entitled
    • we are pretty avg at most of the things for most of us
    • Great is from improvement, growth mindset, anti-entitlement
    • Acceptance of this frees us to accomplish more, we are not special, but we can improve
  • Change our metrics and value system
    • shitty values
      • pleasure/quick high
        • superficial pleasures end up more anxious and depressed instead
        • common in today’s marketing
      • material success
        • After a certain threshold, $ isn’t the most important factor [BUT they are very important still!]
      • Always be right
        • prevent from learning from mistakes, be humble, please
      • Staying positive
        • Deny negative emotions when things suck only leads to prolonged negative emotions
    • good values
      • reality-based
      • socially constructive
      • immediate and controllable, under your own control, eg: popularity isn’t
      • examples
        • honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity
  • The 5 values that this book focuses on/recommend
    • responsibility
      • Know the difference b/w fault and responsibility
      • Shits happen, not your fault, but it is your responsibility to get shit right
    • uncertainty
      • Accept the fact that you don’t know a lot, remain open-minded
    • failure
      • Adopt the mindset that failure is good learning, it is just feedback from reality and we can learn from it
    • rejection
      • Reject and stay focused, not always choosing, this liberates us from choices!
    • contemplation of one’s own mortality
      • Remember physical self will die! What do your conceptual self want to do then?